A Tension in Contemporary Masculinity

I will be discussing heterosexual men and women.

To what degree men have had to be likable to women to get romantic or sexual partners has fluctuated throughout time, but to my knowledge right now that degree is higher than it's ever been before. Yadda yadda context, yadda yadda outliers. You get my drift.

And that’s fantastic. That’s a healthy development. Be deeply suspicious of anyone trying to affect society so as to make it easier for unlikable men to get sex or partnership. There’s a reason why things like the Equal Credit Opportunity Act of 74 matter: prior to this banks could refuse to allow women to open bank accounts. If women are reliant on men for economic stability, for housing and medicine and access to financial systems, then their ability to be selective in their partners is substantially reduced. Consent becomes constrained if legal or social factors require them to prioritize things other than their preference when it comes to choosing partners.

Not that long ago, men could rely on their ability to provide economically (and other social factors) to make up for their lack in other areas: morals and hygiene and humor and looks and charm and intelligence.

Now women can have their own bank accounts and pay their own rent. So now women, to a greater degree than ever before (at least in the West broadly), can choose their partners based on preference.

The degree to which men have cheerfully adapted to this change varies. I would say most men, not having what you might call sociological insight, didn’t think about so much as accept it as the way things are. The wise among them are glad for the change. The weak chafe against it.

But there is a tension here, and it's one that can be present even for the kindest among men.

Men also want to be likable to men: and what makes one likable to men can be in opposition to what makes one likable to women.

Being overly concerned with one’s hygiene can get men mocked by men. At the same time, I have seen it happen numerous times that a girlfriend or wife plead with their partners to shower more often, or to wash their hands after using the restroom, or to brush their teeth more regularly.

A failure to be aggressive can get men mocked by men. But women frequently prefer men who are not aggressive in their day to day manner. I will say, however, that women do frequently desire a man who is theoretically capable of violence on their behalf even as they are not demonstratively aggressive on the regular.

Spending time on one’s appearance, one’s wardrobe and grooming, can get men mocked by men. But women frequently want a man who spends some effort on his appearance.

Being open with one’s emotions, being vulnerable, can get a man mocked by men. But women frequently prefer a man who is open with his emotions, who can be vulnerable (again, variation, heavens knows there are plenty of women who mock openly emotional men).

Let’s be honest: the guy at the gym with muscles the size of boulders is, if they’re doing it to be impressive to anyone, doing it to be impressive to other men.

And so we have tension. How shall we resolve it?

The foolish will attempt to change society back. Kindness by itself would, I hope, be enough for men to seek to improve the lives of women. Knowing humans, however, I will also mention that the current state of affairs is, despite what some might think, also much better for me. The benefits of feminism for men is an enormous topic, and beyond the scope of this piece.

So what else will we do?

I am hardly the first to point this out, but I would suggest that an embrace of healthier models for masculinity is a potential strategy. In the long term I would like to see a world where we no longer shackle ourselves to these categories, but in the meantime I think this is the trick.

Men who can be boisterous without being boorish.

Men who can get their hands dirty and also write poetry.

Men who can be protectors without being masters.

Look I dunno, just be like Brennan Lee Mulligan or the Green brothers or fucking Hasan Piker, I don’t fucking know. Don’t make me do all the work here.